371 | Raising Entrepreneurial Kids, Defining Your Family Identity, and 5 Plays to Run as a Dad (Mike Wehde: Part 1)
Episode Description
Have you decided what your family name stands for? In this episode, Mike Wehde dives into how to raise creative problem solvers, embrace failure, and build a strong family identity. Plus, you’ll discover five powerful plays every dad should run to stay connected with their kids for life.
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Mike Wehde is the Founding Pastor of Lifecoast Church in Palm Coast, Florida. He and his wife, Holly, have five kids and several grandkids. Mike has owned multiple businesses and works as a leadership coach for business and church leaders. They believe the kingdom of God will be advanced through family and community impact.
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· If you want things to change, you have to change.
· When the enemy whispers that you’re a failure, embrace the truth of God’s love and grace.
· With God’s help, decide what your family name stands for in the community.
· Failure paves the way to success.
· When your kids are grown, what will compel them to want to be around you? Start implementing those things early.
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· Send a Voice Message to DadAwesome
· Apply to join the next DadAwesome Accelerator Cohort: Email awesome@dadawesome.org
· Subscribe to DadAwesome Messages: Text the word “Dad” to (651) 370-8618
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Podcast Intro: [00:00:01] Being a great father takes a massive amount of courage. Instead of being an amazing leader and a decent dad, I want to be an amazing dad and a decent leader. The oldest dad in the world gave you this assignment, which means you must be ready for it. As a dad, I get on my knees and I fight for my kids. Let us be those dads who stop the generational pass down of trauma. I want encounters with God where He teaches me what to do with my kids. I know I'm going to be an awesome dad because I'm gonna give it my all.
Mike Wehde: [00:00:39] Now all our kids had to start a business by the time they were 16. I mean their own business and they didn't have to keep it forever. Some of them sold it and paid for college, all that stuff. They had to see the options and some of the things God can do in business, for your family, for the community and those things. As they grow up and they start having aspirations, they don't have to feel alone. Man, when I sit down with mom and hear the inspiration and she's listening to me and my heart and my dream, and she pumps into that. And then she says, hey, we'd like to help you and partner with you in that. It's like, what makes them want to come back, is it such, not just such a safe place, it's a collaborative investing place.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:01:19] Welcome back to DadAwesome. Guys, today, episode 371, is the first half of my conversation with Mike Wehde. I'll introduce him in just a moment here, but I want to invite you guys. I'm carving out time in my schedule every single week, once or twice a week, to do a a half hour, one on one phone call with one of our DadAwesome dads. So really, any of you guys listening, if you're interested in grabbing a phone call with me, I would treasure that time. It's so fun for me to get to meet and connect and hear stories of the guys who are a part of our broader community. But also, I've gathered a lot of tools over the years, over the seven years of DadAwesome, so it might be that you'll bring up, man, these are some of the challenges, some of the things I'm facing. That's going to help inform the type of podcast interview questions, the type of resources we create at DadAwesome, so it's super valuable. But also immediately I can start sharing, maybe I've found some tools, other ministries or ideas that might directly apply to your situation. So I want to make these calls available, but you need to basically you need to send me a voicemail, and then I'll prayerfully try to schedule with as many as possible. Those of you who are interested in one of these phone calls. So it's a little bit of a prayerful, it's not a prayerful lottery, but it's a prayerful process of, of just like man who this week and trying to fit in. So, so please send me a voicemail. Just click on the button in the show notes, it says leave DadAwesome a voicemail, you can leave up to a 90 second voicemail to introduce yourself, and then I will reach back to you to schedule these half hour calls. Looking forward to that again. It's in the show notes, leave DadAwesome a voicemail. That's the way to kind of get your name on the list to to do a half hour call. Today, though, episode 371, Mike Wehde is a business owner. He's a pastor, he's a church planter, he's a dad of five kids, he's a grandpa, and he's a neighbor. So he actually lives right here in the community where my family moved into in Northeast Florida. And we met him about a year ago, him and his wife, Holly. And he's been just a source of, like, wisdom, where I've sat down multiple times for coffee with him to say, hey, what do you think about this? What do you think about that? And he's, I just can't wait to share some of his family culture, wisdom, his raising entrepreneurial kids, his raising kids who are problem solvers, and his thinking around a kind of a culture where kids want to come back and be closely connected with the family once they're launched. So today's conversation will be super helpful. It's about a half hour's part one and then next week will be the second half. Today, episode 371, here's my conversation. Oh, and quickly I reference right at the beginning of the conversation, his son in law Ryan's a friend of mine who was in a Bible study with me here in town, and so I reference his son in law and that's, that's Ryan. And he just observing how Ryan talks about his father in law, made me want to learn more about that relationship, the dynamic and how to raise girls who marry husbands, who want to be closely connected with me as the father in law. So that's where we dive in. Here's episode 371 with Mike Wehde. Not even my own girls, but like their future husbands, how are they going to talk? So, so first, I want to just thank you on behalf of what I've experienced through your son in law. Thank you for being a loving father in law. How, like, how do you get there? And I mean, there's a lot to that question, but when you think about advice for me to someday have boys that marry my girls that feel a desire to be close to the family, what are some of the even broad strokes around that?
Mike Wehde: [00:04:57] As I was praying and talking to some peers, I thought, man, how do I leverage my ability to make relationship, not just with my daughter, but somebody she might be interested in? When I know the dial's turning, this could be long term. How do I move in? How do I start asking those questions of investment and being there for leaning on what's going on. And so that's really wonky and awkward, you know, especially at 15, 16, you know, I say, hey, what are some of your biggest struggles? All right, you can't be with my daughter anyway, you know those things. It's like you get to tiptoe a little bit and just have have a lot of faith that God is actually, especially if they don't have a father that's investing in them. God's actually pulling you in an opportunity of a lifetime that could last a lifetime. And so you've got to kind of put your own feelings aside a little bit and say, hey, what's my best, at each season, my best way to invest and cultivate a great relationship of a dependency trust and a go to, not just, oh, you're my wife or you're my my girlfriend's dad, who might kill me one day. You know, because that's what you want to be. You want to be, you know, the old stoic protector, you know, and is like, no, I, my daughter knows me as the stoic dad, but also as a really good friend and who's for her. So she might be saying that to her, to her son or to her boyfriends, saying my dad's this. But when he comes to me, I'm so not. So I want to compliment what she might be saying. Number one, I'm investing in her. I'm willing to invest in you. It might look different, but here I am, 15, 16, 17. And now I can also implement some of the things I didn't learn, in case you didn't learn them. You need to come ask me, and here's why. Not just you need to come ask me, but here's why. Here's the value in that. And so yeah, so early on it's like, okay, as soon as I saw it wasn't just a little, you know, he's cute kind of thing. It was like, I'm, I'm talking more. I'm starting to contemplate more. And for us, their grandmother lives close, my mom and they would usually, kids usually reveal things to grandparents before parents, if they're close. So my mom would tell me, oh, she's really getting series with this. Okay. I need to move in a little more. Not abruptly, just smoothly, you know, sashay in and say, hey, look, you know, it's time to start investing a little more to see where this goes, but also because, you know, you're, you're a dad, and you've been praying, I'm sure, for your, for your daughter's spouses for a long, long time. So, you're getting an idea, at least from your perspective, what the proper perspective, what they should look like, the character traits, these kind of things. Why not be the one who can help invest in those things?
Jeff Zaugg: [00:07:31] Grow them.
Mike Wehde: [00:07:32] And help grow them, right. Because then you get to be a part of it willingly, not demandingly. And now you do become a really good friend, because now the person they become is the very person they look to and say, you were part of that. How do I thank you? Just love my daughter forever, you know. So that's kind of how it's been. Yeah. I think it's an, an very intentional process too.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:07:56] And it is like there's, there's the person and is the person right in the dating phase. But then there's the, who could this person become. And giving yourself like you're making yourself accessible and desiring to see that future spouse grow into the person.
Mike Wehde: [00:08:14] Yeah, we're investors, right. So even in the Christian realm, in the church, how many teenagers are, have people investing in them, pulling vision out of them? What you can become, not who you are right now. How many people are really getting that at 15, 16, 17? But we know that. And God might be moving somebody and say, hey, here's your chance. Now let's watch what they can become with some more investment.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:08:37] Yep. On the, on the flip side of this person might be wrong for my child. I wanted to jump to the topic of family identity and just this idea of we know who we are. We know, and it ties that even goes into vision values, but just broadly family identity. Some dads listening right now like that jumps to their heart and they're like, oh, I've got that. I've prayed that a bunch. Some are like, I'm not even sure what that means, to have a core, clear family identity. Can you explain from your perspective on just kind of what does that mean to you guys?
Mike Wehde: [00:09:09] Yeah, I mean, I'll be honest, a lot of this because I didn't have a lot of modeling growing up, has been shaping over years. So I could write a book now, 20 years ago I'd be like I don't have a clue either. So this is just a little encouragement, if you're 30 or whatever, like what does all that mean? Yeah, me too. Yeah. Me too. But if you're faithful and you press in and and say, look, I'm going to learn from others. There are some things that that make up our DNA as, as husband and wife, me and Holly and who we, how we believe strongly about things. And it's not just salvation in Jesus that's a no brainer, but it's some of the other things, like Multi-generational thinking. You know, we really do want to live with in terms of we have a calling for that's, that's towards God's kingdom. And it doesn't just include my life. It doesn't stop there. So all my decisions have to have those thought processes, how is this going to affect my kids, my grandkids and who they're becoming, right. Because most of us know that past grand, grand, maybe grand, great grand people aren't going to talk about you much more. They were just the picture on the wall and everything else. But who we are can go from generation to generation, and you have to nail that down, at least before they leave the house. But even after, if you're friends with them, you can still shape it like we are, we're still shaping that. And so for us, yeah, living as a calling towards building God's kingdom, not our kingdom. So if you bring somebosy to the house and it's just all them and us and we're moving on, we're going to build our thing. I'm going to dissuade a little bit. So that's not going to last me.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:10:41] Abrasive against that culture.
Mike Wehde: [00:10:43] Yeah I want to come alongside and show you there's, you know, a more eternal perspective what God's really, we call Daddy's business. What's God's doing here on earth, not just what we want to do here on earth. But that also lends itself to some of the other great character traits of generosity and selflessness and investors. We just want to be investors of others, others centered. Boy, if you, if you can show me a character trait of others centered early on, I know my grandkids are going to be great. I know my daughter's going to be great because you just, you know, you're not all the me, the me Kingdom, you now, the me-ology instead of the theology. And so, yeah, you got to nail some of those things down at 30. You might get 1 or 2 of those principles down at 40. You like, I got a few more from my own bumps and bruises and tripping and bumping into things by 50 and, you know, by 60 you're like, yeah, I'm pretty rock solid. I wish I knew this back then, but at least let me pass it on.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:11:36] Yeah. So you actually can, even that idea of sprinkling of hey, in my 30s, I've got a few of the core things. I know this is part of who we are as a Zaugg family, our identity and be okay with it. We don't have all six of our clear locked in for the next four decades. You can actually add a couple more next decade, and a couple more and seek that out. Who who are we? Not who is the world say we should be. Who are, what's going to be true about my family that would encompass? What else would you add around that topic of family identity and anything else that would come alongside that?
Mike Wehde: [00:12:06] Well, when we do some of our marriage retreats and stuff, we have what we call the pillars of your family, you know. And when you start talking about, well, in your 30s, you're, that's the building years, you know, what are you building? Not just physically, materially, but when you're building into your family. And so you're building a name, decide what that name stands for, not just for you, but in the community. When somebody say, hey, those are the Wehde's, you know, those are the Zaugg's, what do they mean? Do they, do they grit their teeth, do they smile, do they? But early on, you know, you able to say, hey, Dakota, Dillon and say, Wehde's don't do that and here's why. Not just Wehde's don't do that and they create bitterness. It's like, why don't we do that? Because there's lasting effects not just for you, but for others around you and your community. And we're building a name in the community, for God's sake. And so we don't want to be tarnishing those things. There's always forgiveness for mess ups, however, in the long run, you got to decide, are you a Wehd? Are you building with us or are you starting to tear things down? You know, so you start standing for certain things. Or for us being a business owners, entrepreneurs, that's one thing we want to do is be building something in the community and partnering with God to do that. So are you on board with that, you know, or is it always, oh, I got to build my thing? See you later. That's okay I love you, but you're not consistent complimenting what God's put on our heart.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:13:34] Wow. This is a quote that I discovered somewhere in my research, and I think, I think I have this right that you said this. If you want things to change, you have to change. About personal transformation and sacrifice is going to come first. So if I'm seeing a family identity that I don't like, odds are it's not me turning a bunch of dials to get my daughters or my wife to change. Am I reading that right? Like it's me first. Yeah, would you expound on on that?
Mike Wehde: [00:14:03] Yeah. Well, it hit me early on in our marriage. I think we had our first, I think Chelsie came and then I started rethinking. I wanted to be the best, best husband, best dad, whatever. But you can, your drive, whatever drives that can come from 1 or 2 areas, comes from a negative history or negative impact or a positive. And so for me, it was negative. I wanted to not be my dad. I want to be the husband my dad wasn't, and so negativity drove me. And that really didn't prove any identity at all. It only proved his out, which he's not anymore. But it just like, and so it also is a bad way to model those things. As a husband, dad, your modeling not being something, you know, instead of what you really want to be. And so I had to turn that over, give that over to God and say, okay, Heavenly Daddy, You show me. I want to now have a positive, compelling move forward to who I'm supposed to be. And I can't just now say, hey, you need to change. I have to start making the changes to become what He's asking me to be and how He's modeling that in the scriptures for me to be. But when you do that, especially as a leader of a home, you create the wake, you create that behind you. Because who doesn't want to move forward with somebody who's making such positive impact, such positive change? You're like, wherever you're going, I'm going, right. There might be resistance at first because you're like, oh dads on this thing or whatever. After a while, I was like, I want to be like that. I see what's happening, you know. And then therefore then the marriage changes and everything else because you're deciding, I'm going to be this. This is my identity as a husband, as a dad, as a community leader, as a business leader. I get to decide between me and God, and He's shaping that, I get to decide, therefore, I'm setting identity for me and then the family.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:15:52] Yeah. My heart just like, jumped to a quote, my, my three year old said this the other day. She said, I think she said God told me, maybe she said like it's an idea from God. But she said, I, my job is to help other three year olds be awesome three year olds.
Mike Wehde: [00:16:13] That is great. I love it.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:16:14] Yeah. I mean, she took she took a quote from she knows that's part of what I get to do at the ministry, DadAwesome, is help dads be awesome dads. And I just love that she like, spun it in her own. Like I want to be that for helping other three year olds and and and that draws me to this question around raising kids that want to stay tightly connected with your family. Like, I know this is true about your family. Your kids have chosen to move from other areas in the country they've chosen to be, to seek employment in family businesses to some degree and other, you know, you have five kids and not all of the same way, but I, that's my prayer, is that, my not only my three year old, but my 23 year old might desire in the same way, say, I actually want to be closer to the family, not go build my own thing. What would you say is just like a guidance to help, so when my girls are 20 years older, they might want some, you know, to go in that direction?
Mike Wehde: [00:17:10] Yeah. You know, we tease a lot and say, hey, if you want to keep your kids close, especially when they're having kids, buy an ice cream shop and a donut shop. And so we did. And now how do you move your kids away from ice cream?
Jeff Zaugg: [00:17:23] Nailed it.
Mike Wehde: [00:17:25] But here's the thing, I really think your relationship will be different when they're older. You know, mine being 32, down to 20, the relationships are much different. And they should be. But when you imagine them in their 20s and 30s, what do you think is going to compel them to want to come be around you? And those are the things you got to put in. Are you useful, helpful, still an investor, but a great listener, best friend? I'm not the instructor anymore, you know, and you start implementing those things early for us using business, I mean we've owned, I think nearly 15 businesses in 30 some years, but being able to homeschool and have businesses that they can get involved in, they can watch us building something for God, not just for us. Alternative income stream, side hustles, no no no. What can God do if we do this? Include them in it. And then we've talked about this before, actually have homeschool wrapped around it. All of our kids had to start a business by the time they were 16. I mean their own business. And you know, they didn't have to keep it forever. Some of them sold it and paid for college, all that stuff. They had to see the options and some of the things God can do in business for your family, for the community and those things. But now, as they grow up and they start having aspirations, they don't have to feel alone. Everybody knows we have Google. Google can give you a list and ChatGPT. But man, we're not going to be able to sit down with mom and hear the inspiration and she's listening to me and my heart and my dream and I, she pumps into that. And then she says, hey, we'd like to help you and partner with you in that. It's like, what? You know, it's like, so I'm not saying, hey, we fund everything. I'm just saying, hey, when we're in this together, even if you decide, like, you know, Ryan and Chelsie are doing their thing, you know, and Dillon, he's got his own business, videographer, traveling the world. We just want to come around and just partner with and say, look, what's God doing in that? Isn't that amazing? You get to travel all over the place. This is great, you know. And so, yeah, what makes him want to come back is it's such not just such a safe place. It's a collaborative, investing place, but they also help us to. So, I know my youngest one day wants to own his own business, it's probably his own Swiller Bees. He's thinking up in Nashville or, you know, whatever.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:19:38] Amazing.
Mike Wehde: [00:19:39] But and he went and worked a lot of different jobs and said, you go experience all those things, you know. Be a plumber, be whatever. You know, I got a lot of bumps and scrapes from all my jobs. But he said, I want to come back and learn how to do that. This is the best place to do it, because you guys are thriving in it and you believe in the right things. It's not just to get rich. Makes God, God's kingdom, you know, richer. And so yeah, so he's come back around and working with us and so we can pour into him, invest in him, and then champion him when he goes and does his thing. So we, we you know, we know that more will move away. Maybe, you know, after what we get it, it'll be heartache. We have one move in next week, you know, to San Francisco. It's a heartache. But it's so good to just be able to champion them and know they're going to do great and still be there.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:20:26] Yeah. You normalized that you're a family who builds things. And what you've built is businesses. I mean, one of them burned to the ground, like, so it's not like it's been an easy up until, right. You're, you're normalizing building and you normalize that the reason you build is to pour out into the people that you employ, but also taking resources into funding ministry. Some of the things you've built have been global ministries, right. Like so I, I love that. You also put a requirement of launch your own business. Don't just come be an employee, you have to launch by 16. Did I get that right?
Mike Wehde: [00:21:01] 16.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:21:02] Can you give us...
Mike Wehde: [00:21:03] What your learning. in Algebra 2, let's just take a break. Let's go start a business. Chelsie I think was even 14. She started fitness training, health training for women, for ladies, and she took them shopping. But they had to pick her up because she didn't have her license.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:21:18] So not capital intensive. She, she figured out a niche in offering. They had to provide the transportation and she helped, what did she do? She was a shopping consultant.
Mike Wehde: [00:21:26] Well, shopping, buy the right things, throw these things out of the pantry, here's your exercise you need, because she had already been training with me for a couple of years. And she's trying to, you know, right the wrongs. And they're eating habits and their and their fitness. Yeah, but so there's the thing is, it doesn't have to be the next GE or whatever else. Find the niche because that's and we're solving problems. So entrepreneurs solve problems. That's really all we do from early on, try to get them to solve problems. Because there's a lot of problems in the world or a lot of needs or a lot of desires you can, you can solve. And so the big thing is, it doesn't have to be a success because we've failed. If you know my circumstance, we failed multiple. We failed in one just a year and a half ago, you know, and pulled back. So you don't, you know, we just pivot quicker. But you teach in that early because most people that come to us say, hey, I don't know about business. And what if I make a mistake? I'm like, my wife just ingrained in me because I come from a family of long term unemployment, pensions, all this, no business owners, you know. And but my wife's family opposite is like, failure paved your way to success, over and over is like, we can risk it. We can, we can fail. Because we'll pivot, we got these two hands, this noodle and a big God, let's go. You know, so they were a part of the building, the business burning to the ground. They were part of some of the other failures, but they're also part of some of the successes. And watch us try to govern our praise to God and, and all that through the successes, failures and everything else.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:22:57] I also want to just kind of double click on the investing in. And so by being part of your family and this I know, extends beyond your family because you've helped a lot of other young couples, young, you know, young dads like help them start businesses as well. So it goes beyond. But your kids gain a kind of brain trust of all of your learnings from failures, all these different like, so they're going to get that no matter where they are in the world or if they work, you know, if they work in a family business or their own business, they get that. But then there's even the opportunity in some cases where you've said, actually, I want to bring resources alongside to be an investor in. I got that right?
Mike Wehde: [00:23:34] Yeah.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:23:35] Is, what would you say like, are there any other core, like things that would be a benefit to being a part of your family or within your orbit that helps create that culture of entrepreneurism? Anything else you'd add?
Mike Wehde: [00:23:49] Yeah, we well, we have things we've done in homeschooling that now we even see our own kids doing in with their kids.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:23:56] With your grandkids.
Mike Wehde: [00:23:57] Early, early on, you know, teaching them how to be problem solvers. Teaching the power of the big concept, as we'd say, 30,000 square foot view. Even these coffee cups, somebody made this. You could be a maker of things. And our God's a creator. He's a maker. He's made us in His image, we're creators. We're makers. You ever think about that? No, mommy. You know, but you, you, you bring some of those things into everyday life with intentionality. My wife, and rightly so, my kids are like every moment is a teaching moment, but she's a teacher. She loves to share the knowledge, share the experience. So early on, all the way through, even, even today, she'd be like, what are we going to learn from that? You know, but so much of society, I think, is caught in the trap, I think it's from the enemy. Spirit of complacency, comfort, as long as, because life's hard and you got this much time, so don't you know, let's see if we can keep everything at bay. And the goal seems to be to have as little problems, conflict and turmoil as possible, therefore, we'll do this. And so with dads too, right. We've had a long, hard day, man, wouldn't it be better if I could just click watch that game.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:25:08] Yeah, I'm out.
Mike Wehde: [00:25:09] Give him something, give him a toy, give him an iPad or something else. That's the spirit of the enemy who just distracts us from the greater calling that takes intentionality and work, right. And so I love, I love my wife, Holly. She's highly intentional and never would let moments pass by where I might be more passes. Yeah, I'll model it, you know they'll catch it. I don't have to teach it. And I'm like, she, she would never let a moment pass by. Again, you have your negatives of those, and can we just talk and get that too. But listen, I've learned so much from her about intentionality, so I, i, just, like anyone else, can fall into the spirit of complacency and comfort and say, wasn't it a great day? Why was it a great day? I didn't have to do anything. The kids were all just good playing over there. I don't know what they're playing. You know, it's like, that's kind of what the world does. Like, wow, how is that going to fare ten years from now, 20 years from now? Not just in their work ethic and things like that, but how they're growing, being equipped, being invested in and feel like they have confidence to go out and do something incredible for God, whatever that is.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:26:13] Right.
Mike Wehde: [00:26:13] But yeah, it starts at 3, 4 or 5. Like you're like, like you get on the floor and, you know, mess it up. And like, I had a long, hard day, but I can't miss this opportunity. And so I do think that's the fight that we dads especially face because we, you know, more often than not are the ones out there doing the hard labor, you know, I've dug ditches. I've, you know, put in septic systems, come home is like, wow, you know, up north it's cold. You've been in Minnesota, it's like, I just want to sit here by the fire, just got to chill out with a good dinner, it's like and that's the time the spirit should kick in and say that extra effort and you will not get it right, you will not do perfect. You will probably quit before you probably, but you're making the effort. You're being intentional, and you're thinking through what can I deposit right now that's going to grow into great fruit later?
Jeff Zaugg: [00:27:02] It's good, it's good. There's lies, there's a whole stream of lies that dads are going to, the field is whispered at. One of them is, it's been a hard day. It's been a long day. This is time for, this is me time, right. That's, this one of them. Another one that I know you like focusing on is this cultural lie of that, that you are a failure, that you have not done enough and that you can't do enough, and that just to try to get us dads thinking like I've messed it up or I'm a failure. Would you expound on that one a little bit?
Mike Wehde: [00:27:31] Yeah. I mean, that doesn't take long, right. You're not talking when your kids are 18. It's, it's when they're 1 or 2 or because when you first get your, your first born child is delivered to you. First of all, you think, what can I, I'm going to hurt this thing. You're already start off in fear. And then he goes, oh great, we have an open door. So by the first time you correct them, discipline, spank, whatever, it's like I'm a terrible dad or they're just trying to get your attention. Dad, dad, dad. What? You know, like I just snapped at my, you know, I'm wrecking them. I'm just harming them. And early, early on, we're we're attacked by the enemy, you see, see, you're a failure. And even with Genesis, see, and mom's better than you anyway, because she has so much more patience. Whatever that is. It's like the enemy's always wedging in there, and boy as much as my kids say you're the best dad ever. Like, yeah, but I got a list of regrets I could expound in a heartbeat, because I repeat it to me constantly. Remember that time when I did that, they're just always in there. Great memories of regrets, right. And so you've just got to early on embrace that God's got the big picture. God really has these children and children are so resilient, forgetful anyway. Yeah, I was talking to Dakota about this the other day, I just was really harsh with him and just an hour later, he's running up to me, hugging the stuffing out of me like, I'm the best dad ever. Like, how is this? I mean, God's grace, man, you embrace it. And that's the truth. Embrace that truth. Because as long as you're trying, as long, as long as you're learning, you know, okay, I won't do that again and write it down or don't do that again. God's like, I got love and grace all over this baby, you know, because they're in a good, good home. They're in a nice home of of faithful parents, praying parents and also humble parents, I messed up.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:29:18] I want to learn. I want to grow, the fixed mindset versus growth. And that is the growth mindset, says the stumble, the moment of failure. Yeah. I am not a failure, but I've had moments of failure within the last three hours, right. Yeah. So yeah. Yeah, the lies though I just I have seen it just time and time again in my own life. You lead a fatherhood ministry, but you did this yesterday and you did. Like, it's crazy how the, the, the enemy, Satan wants to sideline from saying no, this is my identity is I am a loving dad. I am pursuing the hearts of my kid, I am versus no you're a failure. You can't, you haven't done.
Mike Wehde: [00:30:03] Trying to get you quickly to give up. I mean, it's like, okay, I actually stunk all week long. And you know what, no more, and we just back up, that's her job. I'm just going to be the provider because I'm obviously bad at that. And then you give up on intentionality and the extra effort on the conversations that happen. You know, the, not just the first question, how was your day conversations, you know, it's the but why was and what did you think about that? It's like, I'm no good at that, mom's better at that. And you just disengage and then enemy goes, oh, I love this. Because now we're going to repeat the cycle where he's like, you know what, I did a terrible job of conversations yesterday. I'm going to give it another shot. And God's like, oh, here we go. Because I'm going to unleash some great heart here and you're going to go to bed thinking, I didn't even know that was great. You know, I didn't know I could even be that kind of dad. You have those moments and God says hang onto those.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:30:54] Yeah, yeah, it's sort of remember over and over, remember that, that was, yeah, we have to, but we don't. We 90%, we put ourselves in this camp. We amplify the failures. This was a couple years ago, so you might not remember the top five, but I'll, I'll team up and let you just kind of riff on each of these five ways we can run the play. Running the the five, running the plays for dads. So the first one you said is show affection. Can you expand an affection?
Mike Wehde: [00:31:21] Oh, so it's different for every child, obviously. Because I have huggers and I have not so huggers. And I have one that we were best friends early on, but later on she, she turned out she's not a great hugger, not affectionate. So you have to love on them differently, right. She calls me the bag of ropes, I'm the old bodybuilder like, I think it's also say because I'm not hugger anyway, so you're just a bag of ropes. Awesome stuff, when you know your kids, you know that's the big thing is, do you know them? Do you know them to be this? Or like the old love languages, are you always trying to push your love language on to them because it's not going to work.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:31:52] In marriage, the same. I mess this up all the time.
Mike Wehde: [00:31:54] Right. So, so do I. So but that's the thing is, do you know them? And then how do you show the affection in the way they need it? Is time well spent? Is it those things. And that's really key when you tap into the way they need and you bridge that gap, it just knocks it out of the park and they respond differently. I mean, some are like might be tearful. And others like, thanks Dad, that really meant a lot. Like, take that as, like gold. It's like they're actually a child expressing an emotion is gold. Not just I'm mad at you, but really expressing his heart is gold. That's like, that's growth. That's, that's relationship building and that lasts in the 20s and 30s, 40s because they did it early. And you, you made the effort early. So affection is like I had very little affection growing up and oh dad, that kind of thing. I was very insecure and therefore I'm not, I wasn't a hugger for a long, long, long time. So if you're not careful, you just, you just won't be that. And sometimes you have to say this one's more affectionate in the area of hugging and touching and things like that. So you find yourself just touching their arm more when you talk to them and hugging them when they come in the door. I'm still not a hugger, but my son Dakota's, 6'4, 275 pounds, is and he comes at me like a pterodactyl, he's ah Dad. And I'm like, yeah, I'm not a hugger and you're kind of big. But he's like, he wants a hug. Yeah. And you know what I do too after. So I'm like, yeah, that was great.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:33:13] I love that.
Mike Wehde: [00:33:14] 30 years old, he wants to hug me like I should just fall into that says, this is so great.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:33:19] Yeah, yeah, so, the first one, show affection, but in the right ways. The ways that they're wired.
Mike Wehde: [00:33:23] Find out who they are and how they need it. Not just the way you want to give it. Yeah. And then it'll last forever.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:33:29] So yeah, the next one is live the gospel.
Mike Wehde: [00:33:35] Here's the funniest thing, if my wife listens to this, I'll just ask for forgiveness later, which she'll give it because she's just an amazing, amazing...
Jeff Zaugg: [00:33:42] Yeah.
Mike Wehde: [00:33:42] Jesus follower. I've learned so much from her. But our kids generally will call us Old Testament, New Testament. She's God the Father, I'm God, I'm Jesus. I just learned grace early and I'm just an I'm a two on the ennegram, I'm a server so I can, tend to just love on your first and then try to say something hard later. Or she's like, I'm going to love on you by saying something hard, you know, and thou shalt not. But as it worked out, it's a true sense of the gospel because when there early there is some Old Testament, there are some thou shalt nots. But you can't carry that all the way up into adulthood, because then the, the, the Old Testament child becomes Pharisee and either doesn't, it becomes bitter or becomes a legalist and for the rest of her life become highly religious. Like there's got to be that grace of the gospel that comes in. And so our kids have messed up plenty of times, as much as dad and mom have messed up. But there was never, ever, ever a sense that you know what? You're always a Wehde. And even if they went to college and did this, that this, this door will always be open to you. And so when you feel as like you tell them that early on, it's like, you know what, you messed up so much and I can't believe you did this. And we're pastors of churches, sometimes they do things like that, but but the church is going to like, like this or like, you know what? But first of all, let's put the church over there. Let's put everything else over there says, here's how God is with us. He's more hurt, not at the action, but the future ramifications and what it does to your life. And that's how dad's hurting right now. You're actually going to endure some ramifications, or you've closed some doors of opportunity that God had for her, and that just breaks my heart. So put the shame and all that stuff aside because God, He's forgiven on the cross and all the sins are forgiven on the cross, tomorrow sins, you name it. What breaks His heart is like, man, I had so much more that you just decided to give up. But the cool thing is, He still has so much more than you can ask or imagine. So let's go. I always said, you know, especially to my boys, I said, you know what, the moment you are thinking of sinning, clicking, doing that thing, I would ask him, who do you think, what do you think Jesus is doing right then? Because He's, He's here, you know. Is He, well, He's probably going, I can't believe he would do that.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:36:14] That's not it.
Mike Wehde: [00:36:14] You know what He's doing? Well, if you're going to do it, I got more stuff to do. That's all right. Just get it over with, then. But you know what it's even better, just come with Me. Because when you feel that, like Jesus is, He's done coming down on me with a hammer right now, He's like, could you see what I got for you? Why wouldn't you want to turn and just put that aside? Says, let's try to live like that, because for the rest of your life, kids, you're going to, you're going to have these tempting things in different areas your life every time go, what do you have Jesus? That's more.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:36:45] It's always better.
Mike Wehde: [00:36:45] And that's the better compelling force to saying no to sin and temptation is the better thing that God has for you, not the judgment that might be coming.
Jeff Zaugg: [00:36:54] I love that, the visual of like more of heaven, more of the kingdom, more closesness to Jesus. Thank you so much for joining us for episode 371, The first half of this conversation with Mike Wehde, all the conversation links, the show notes, and, and, and the transcript for this conversation are all going to be found at dadawesome.org/podcast, and you can just look for episode 371. Make sure to tune back next week for the second half of the conversation. Also, just a reminder, send me a voice message. We'd love to hear from you. Just go in the show notes to the link that says send a voicemail to DadAwesome. You can leave up to a 90 second voicemail to introduce yourself and share a little bit about your family and why you're interested in grabbing a phone call together, and I'll look forward to listening and responding to those voice messages. Guys, thank you for leaning in, for treasuring in this role of being a dad and for being a DadAwesome, this week. I'm cheering for you. I'm praying for you. Have a great week.
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· 9:48 - "We really do want to live with in terms of, we have a calling that's towards God's kingdom. And it doesn't just include my life. It doesn't stop there. So all my decisions have to have those thought processes, how is this going to affect my kids, my grandkids and who they're becoming. Most of us know that past grand, grand, maybe grand, great grand people aren't going to talk about you much more. They were just the picture on the wall and everything else. But who we are can go from generation to generation, and you have to nail that down, at least before they leave the house. But even after, if you're friends with them, you can still shape it like we are, we're still shaping that. And so for us, living as a calling towards building God's kingdom, not our kingdom."
· 28:02 - "You've just got to early on embrace that God's got the big picture. God really has these children and children are so resilient, forgetful anyway. I was talking to Dakota about this the other day, I just was really harsh with him and just an hour later, he's running up to me, hugging the stuffing out of me like, I'm the best dad ever. Like, how is this? I mean, God's grace, man, you embrace it. And that's the truth. Embrace that truth. Because as long as you're trying, as long as you're learning, I won't do that again and write it down or don't do that again. God's like, I got love and grace all over this baby, because they're in a good home. They're in a nice home of faithful parents, praying parents and also humble parents, [saying] I messed up."
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