377 | Switching On Joy, Building Emotional Resilience, and Breaking Free From Enemy Mode(Chris Coursey)
Episode Description
Joy isn’t just about feeling good. It's your secret weapon for raising resilient kids and showing up as a healthy, loving dad. In this episode, Chris Coursey unpacks the brain science behind joy and shares practical strategies you can use to stay calm and connected, whether it’s your own emotions flaring or your child’s.
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Chris Coursey is the President of THRIVEtoday. For nearly 25 years he has been developing and practicing brain-based solutions to make relationships work. Chris is a published author with ten books in print, husband to Jen, and father to Matthew and Andrew.
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Joy is built through connection, while happiness depends on your circumstances.
God wired your brain for emotions, so it’s important to know what helps you return to your relational, peaceful self.
Validation and comfort sets the stage for effective correction.
Building joy helps you and your kids navigate life’s challenges with more resilience.
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Subscribe to DadAwesome Messages: Text the word “Dad” to (651) 370-8618
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Speaker 1: [00:00:01] Being a great father takes a massive amount of courage. Instead of being an amazing leader and a decent dad, I want to be an amazing dad and a descent leader. The oldest dad in the world gave you this assignment, which means you must be ready for it. As a dad, I get on my knees and I fight for my kids. Let us be those dads who stop the generational pass down of trauma. I want encounters with God where he teaches me what to do with my kids I know I'm going to be an awesome dad because I'ma give it my all. [00:00:31][29.8]
Chris Coursey: [00:00:39] God gave our brain what we call a relational circuit, and it's kind of like a dimmer light switch. When it's on, I'm relational. I want to engage with you. I feel curious what's happening in your mind. I want be kind. Really, I express the best of myself when this relational circuit or what I call a joy switch is on. [00:00:57][18.0]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:01:00] Welcome back to Dad Awesome, guys. My name is Jeff Zaugg, and today, episode 377, I have Chris Coursey joining me, and I'll introduce him a little more in a moment here, but want to remind you guys, this week, today, tomorrow, you've got two final days. You've got to apply by midnight, April 11th, if you want to join the Dad Awesome Accelerator Group. So we've hosted three of these cohorts in the past. We're about to launch into our fourth. accelerator cohort. This is a group of 10 dads giving six weeks to doing a sprint around everything we've learned at Dad Awesome in seven and a half years. I'm going to bring to this coaching group. over the course of six weeks. You've got a couple hours of homework each week, you've got one hour of being on a Zoom call, Wednesdays at around the lunch hour, if you're in the central time zone. So wanna invite you guys, email awesome at dadawesome.org to receive all the overview, the promises, the expectations and the link to apply. So email awesome, at dadawsome.org. Also, any of you in our Dad Awesome community that are interested in scheduling a phone call with me, I have just loved these one-on-one phone calls, taking about a half hour to chat with members of our community about the dad life. How's it going? I learned from you what are perspectives you're learning, resources, tools you're finding, but also I can take what I've learned over this journey of leading this ministry and potentially help you with different dad challenges or dad situations. It's just really fun for me. And then I get to pray for you guys. So simply click the button that says, leave dad awesome a voicemail. Leave Dad Awesome a voice message. It's in all the show notes. Click that button. Leave me a little voice message introducing yourself and I prayerfully schedule one or two of those each week. So today though, today Chris Corsi, we're gonna, this is the promise. Today's conversation will be a catalyst for a joy revolution for your family. So Chris is all things brain science, relational skills. He's gonna talk a lot about joy, the joy switch. He's going to talk about skills training around attachment theory. He's gonna bring a lot of research for decades into how can he help us as dads experience more joy, connect more with our emotions, our feelings, and then help coach and guide our kids to safety and to more skills so they can approach problem solving resilience. So this conversation, so excited for it. This is episode 377. with Chris Corsi. I don't think it's ever happened before where I met somebody and then less than a week later. So we're talking five days since we met, here we are, hopping into a podcast conversation because yeah, usually it's just there's a time process, but you were, you're about to take some time away from work and ministry. So I was like, is there any chance? So thank you for saying yes. [00:04:02][181.8]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:04:02] I'm glad it worked brother. I'm really excited to be here with you [00:04:06][3.9]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:04:06] Well, I have like a hundred questions. So we're going to get to just, I'm truly, in my research in just the last five days, I took a deep dive after walking by, because I read the titles of all your books. You know, I just kind of quickly like got an idea for your heart and your area of work and expertise. And so because I have so many questions. Sometimes it's fun to let's go story first and then we'll see where we rock and roll. But the story is we play tag with my daughters. We play monster tag at the playground. And now monster tag is delightful tag. It's not scary monster, it's delightful monster, but I have long arms and I can reach up and catch them and try not to trip them. But it's a monster tag. The playground is one of our favorites, But you know this, Chris, that monster and that just like analogy of dads being the monster, you know, we're loud, we are fast, we have long reach, which is all fun. It can be delight. but we can also bring destruction with being a monster. And I'd love to just hear, where does that take your heart when you think about dad awesome and monster tag? [00:05:16][69.4]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:05:16] I love that picture and yeah, you know part of what we do is we train relational skills that help us to be gentle Protectors and so our brain when our brain is wired to be a predator when we're first born because we want to put everything In our mouth. We want to consume And so we learn how to be gentle protectors who have fun and who smile and laugh, but also who know when to stop, right? Like if you think of tickling, my sons would love when I would tickle them, but there's a moment where they were like, okay, you could tell they reached their limit. Let me have a breather. So that's a relational skill, right, where I'm able to say, hey, you know what, let's take a breater right now. So learning to use the brakes... is part of how we build trust and safety in our families. And so just keeping that in mind, you know, joy grows when we're glad to be together. And I love that game that you play with your kids. It's fun. I bet there's smiles on everybody's face. Lots of laughter, right? Joy is a high energy response. And so whenever we feel this glad to-be-togetherness, we kind of get energized and joy is always leads to rest. So, Jeff, it's just when I build joy with my sons and we play or we wrestle, they love to wrestle, you know, we rest and we take a breather at the right times. And so, just thinking about, you, know, fun and good things grow, but we want to know when the light turns yellow as getting ready to turn red, we just tap the brakes, we pause, let our kiddos have a moment to rest, and then we pick up with some more fun, some more joy. So that's a unique perspective as we think about that. [00:07:02][106.5]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:07:03] Now, your chapter of dad life is your sons, are they both teenagers or is 112? They're both teenagers now, yep, it's gotten real. Oh man, how would your wife describe if you subtract 10 years in your dad presence, your fatherhood journey, subtract 10 year, how would she have described you as a dad? [00:07:25][22.0]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:07:26] Oh, that's an excellent question. I think, you know, she would describe me as someone that loves connection. I love connection with my sons and, you know, any, any chance, any excuse to spend time connecting with them. Uh, my sons love to be outside. So, you, know, we'd be outside every moment we could playing, running around, having fun. And so I, I just, you know, I love being a dad. and having just those sweet moments of connection with them. And I'll always cherish, always cherish these times. [00:08:02][36.9]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:08:03] So you said, you know, just that love that you get to be their dad. And I, I've been using the word delight, like delightful dad of just like, you know, God said, You know, you're my loved son, um, in whom I am well pleased, right? That we can bring some of that, but delightful dads, it's not, it's not like we accidentally become delightful dads. That's right. In fact, the pressures of life probably move us in the other direction of being a little bit sharp and edgy. Several of my friends, because of Dad Awesome and because of some of the coaching I've done, they actually can't even imagine me not loving being a dad or being sharp with my girls or abrasive or defensive with my wife. But I told them, I was just being real. I was like, guys, I need some prayer. Like, I can't imagine you like that. I'm like, well, it's real. I don't stay in that land. What moves you away from delighting as a dad? and what are some things you've learned to get you back in that direction? [00:09:03][59.8]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:09:04] Yeah, you know, that's a great question. You know, I grew up, my dad, loved my dad. Such an amazing guy. But when I was younger, he had a lot of anger, right? He just had a lotta anger. So I learned this example of anger gets things done. And so when my sons were born, I said, Lord. I want to be different, you know? I want be able to have that delight, right? I love that word that you use, delight. Because in the brain, delight means when someone delights in us, that's joy. That's how our brain responds to delight. It's like, wow, someone's really glad to be with me. So I think, you now, part of my prayer going into fatherhood was just, I want to give my son something a little different than what I had. And you know what, I still mess up. I still drop the ball with my sons. But I've given them something that I didn't really get growing up, which was repair, right? So in those moments where I've lost my joy and I lost my peace and I feel that disconnect, I wanna get really good at repairing with my son and saying, guys, I'm sorry. Dad was too loud there or dad was too intense. I want them to be able to have that freedom. to be able to get back to joy when we've lost our joy. And honestly, when I look back on this time in my life, more than anything, I just, I want my sons to feel loved. I want them to feel valued. I want to feel seen, you know? And I try to make it a point every night when I say goodnight to them. Dad loves you guys, I love you guys. and give them that big hug. Now they're teenagers, you know, they're not real big, always on the dad hug, but just to really affirm and validate, I love you guys, and I want them to always feel that love, right? Just to have that father's love, is there something about that that's so healing? And so just for me, I've had to be very purposeful. Some of this hasn't come natural to me when I first became a dad. Like I have to really, it's like working out. I've got to grow some muscles here that I really haven't used very much in being able to connect with them or reconnect and just to really try to be present in their lives. Like I want that, I want their mind to always feel like dad loves me. Yes. In the good and the bad, in the hard times and the fun times. I want them to just feel like Dad loves me That's my prayer. That's mine my prayer [00:11:48][164.2]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:11:49] And I want to move into that idea of skills and training and actually go beyond. In fact, this is a quote that I, I think it's from the joy switch of it might be from a different one of your books, but you said, our good intentions and willpower take a backseat to emotional capacity. That is our ability to manage what we feel and regulate our emotions. So the dad's listening. we all have good intentions. We wouldn't be listening to dad also without having good intentions and willpower, but it doesn't matter those good intentions and Willpower if we don't have the skill of managing, you know, and regulating our emotions. So this is this is kind of the deep dive question. This kind of take us deep into brain science and all you're learning about man. I would just I would love to hear Chris just some coaching to help us be ready to put action and actually follow through to those intentions. [00:12:41][51.6]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:12:41] I love that. So yeah, you know what I found really interesting as I started going into brain science is that God gave our brain what we call a relational circuit, and it's kind of like a dimmer light switch. When it's on, I'm relational, right? I want to engage with you. I feel curious what's happening in your mind. I want be kind. Really I express the best of myself when this relational circuit or what I call the But that dimmer switch can go off, right? Where I get strong emotions, maybe I didn't sleep last night or there's a conflict that I'm navigating. When things get hard to manage, then this relational circuit goes off what we call enemy mode. And in enemy mode, right, my children or my friends or my coworkers, they feel like enemies, even other drivers, they like enemies in that moment. And now the good news, is that while the switch can go on or off the good news is we can get the switch back on anytime it starts to fade you know and I encourage men when you notice you're starting to lose your joy or your peace right that's probably where enemy mode's creeping in that's where like what helps you get your joy and peace back some some guys just need to go outside and take a couple deep breaths right or they need to do something maybe go in the garage and do something But just learning what helps you when you start to slip into enemy mode and you feel that we feel rigid and tense and angry. We're not our best selves in enemy mode. And just thinking through what helps you stay and return to relational mode any time you kind of fall out and you slip. And we're all going to do that, Jeff. We're all gonna have those times, right, where we've lost our joy and our peace. We slip into enemy mode. I'd rather be on my phone. I don't, you know, I'm not getting along with my wife or I'm upset with my kids over something. The good news is we don't have to stay there, right? This is, I also spent a lot of time talking to Jesus about what's going on when I'm feeling like I'm slipping into enemy-mode here, and I don' wanna visit this for too long. And so even connecting with another guy or connecting with someone, whatever it is that helps you stay in what I call your relational sweet spot where you're curious, you're kind and you really want to be present with your kids and your family. That a little bit goes a long way when we use that lens because we all lose access to the relational parts of our brain at times. but we don't have to stay there, Jeff. And that's. That's a really hopeful message. We don't have to stay stuck in enemy mode. [00:15:29][167.6]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:15:30] Yes. And I, I sometimes will like realize I'm going in that direction of like I'm amplifying, um, yeah, complaints or amplifying frustrations, or I'm, I'm rehearsing over and over what someone didn't do or did, and I'll go do 10 burpees and sometimes that'll work physical, like physical. Sometimes I'll still be in the same place after that physical, it's like, okay, like I try something else. And then there's like declaration prayers, like scripture, and I'm declaring, I'm using my voice and like, okay, usually that one does help. But what are some other examples of, man, I am the person I love most, I am... vilifying in my head, I'm enemy mode. Like, what am I think, like, why? It's so crazy. And it's usually tiredness. Like, so end of the day, bedtime didn't go great with my four daughters. And now I'm like, I just want to wash dishes by myself. I don't even want to be near the, like I'm referring to my wife, Michelle, right? And she knows, like I can swing and then swing back. What are some other examples on how to, how to name it, but then to take positive action? [00:16:33][63.1]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:16:34] Yeah, so there's two responses that we usually have in enemy mode. Some of us get amped up. I love your example of doing the burpees. You're moving, right? Some of us when we start to slip into enemy mode, we have energy and we need to burn it off. We need to turn it off, some of us are more low energy people. And so when we're slipping into enemy, we need a little space. We just need to go cool down. I often tell people, the thing that they'll tell you if you ever happen to be in an ambulance, take some deep breaths, right? They're always gonna tell you, the first thing to go when we slip into enemy mode is our breathing. We get really shallow. We kinda just, for me, I practically hold my breath. I can tell when I'm in enemy mode where I'm like holding my breath, I'm hardly breathing. So just simply taking some deep breathes, you get more oxygen into your bloodstream, more oxygen to your brain, it calms down. uh... but if the people are low energy they probably need some space great they need a little distance uh... to cool down right when the jets are too hot but some of us and we need movement and so i i love the at the burpees example like some of those we just need to move and burn off some steam out one of the go-to uh... responses to help me get out of enemy mode is remembering joy And so when you pause and just remember some of the good things, what are some of God's gifts, right? I look at pictures on my phone when I'm really like I'm slipping into enemy mode or I'm stuck in enemy mode. I found that remembering those special moments, those fun days when I took my sons to the beach and we got to play frisbee or throw the football. Even looking at pictures on our phone reminds us of joy and honestly that is one of the best ways to help us Get unstuck and stay out of enemy mode is you're activating what I call these joy files in your brain Yeah, and anytime we remember joy from the past your brain responds as though it's reliving the moment all over again Which is amazing, right? God we're fearfully and wonderfully made. God made us amazing Amazing creatures here. We are amazing people But remembering joy and some people I know some guys they'll have a little list and their phone and the notes app and they will Write down special memories that will be their go-to Spot to really recharge and refresh so that that I encourage everybody to try Jeff remember the good stuff [00:19:07][153.0]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:19:07] Yes, I'm thinking of the visual of the movie Inside Out. I'm grabbing these glowing orbs of memories and I'm putting them back on the screen. That's right. So good. So there's using photos. There's using lists of joyful memories, treasured moments, gratitude lists. You know, I mentioned declaration, prayers, scripture, I'm thinking about like the Wim Hof, 10 minute method or the John Eldridge pause app. Yes. Breathing. Um, I'd love for you to add even a couple others. Any other ones you didn't mention that you'd say would help? [00:19:41][34.1]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:19:42] Yeah, some of us need to voice what we're feeling and so if you're really having a hard time, is there someone that you could talk to for a couple minutes? Someone that can pray for you? Do you have a brother who can pray? Anytime your brain feels seen, heard and understood, that's going to help you get out of enemy mode. So that's where talking to Jesus, I love your examples with the prayers. The box breathing. Is a really another good thing people can do one of the best ways to quiet is actually Deep inhale and when you exhale you sigh And so you take that you fill your lungs with air, but when you inhale you sigh And that lots of fun science around it But what that does is that really helps get our nervous system back to a trainable state Some of us, you know what? Maybe you need a little project. Like I like you're doing dishes. I'm the same way I'm the same way when I notice while I'm really getting off line here, and I'm not helping the bedtime right now because I'm offline doing dishes, right? Do something simple and your brain gets a lot of dopamine if you do something for a few minutes and you bring it to like a stopping point. A lot of us just like it's a short little finish this task. So I've got a few things in the garage. I want to go move around. I don't want to do my three hour cleaning. I'll save that for another day. But what can I do in five, six, seven minutes that's going to help me feel good because I did something? But I also have a few friends in my phone that if I'm having a hard time getting out of enemy mode, I could call or I could text and say, hey, I'm not doing well. Would you mind praying with me? And as well, remembering times where you felt God's closeness. So if you ever had a time in your life where you just felt like God was there, God was with you, Jesus was right there by your side. Those are other things that when you can remember God's gifts and God's closeness, then we can say, well, Jesus, where are you right now? What are you doing right now. And just the other day, I was flying home, Jeff, from the event we were both at. And I noticed when they were calling the groups, all the people from different groups all got in line and the boarding became a bit of chaos. And I was standing there and I noticed I started to feel tense. I started almost like anxious like I felt like I I have a carry-on bag, I'm not going to be able to have a spot to put my bag by the time I get on this thing. So I was slipping into enemy mode. I started worrying. And the moment I caught that, Jeff, I was like, okay, I want to take a deep breath. And I said, Lord Jesus, what are you doing right now? What do you want me to know about where you're at in this? And I just had a few seconds of a thought. Just had a sense of Jesus seeing me. He was there. He was like, Chris, take a breather. You're gonna get on the plane. You're going to make it home. Take a breater. And so I was able to stay curious, like, wow, why am I feeling this way? So, I mean, we're talking a 30 second little interaction, Jeff, that just helped me. Okay, my feet were slipping into enemy mode, taking that little bit of time to remember God's closeness and then interact with Jesus in that moment. And I stayed relational the rest of that time. It was so simple, but yet it really impacted me. [00:23:06][203.9]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:23:07] Yeah, I want to go back to what you said with joy and how you actually see people's response when you bring joy. You can see them light up a little bit. My extreme example was the year after the COVID shut down, when Disney World opened back up, we happened to be in Florida, and so I didn't get to see anyone's smiles the whole day long because we all had our smiles were covered. That's hard. It was a hard day, totally, because I'm usually, you can steal joy, not steal, it's the wrong expression, but you can borrow joy from other people's delight at a playground or at an ice cream store. You're seeing everybody light up and it was none of that. But what I'm thinking about is it's almost imaginative prayer, what you just mentioned of you ask Jesus, What do you want me to know? 30-second prayer. I can pair that with your other advice of go back to times you felt close to God. So imagining prayer of a dock that I was on, or there's a stone wall in Arizona that I laid on and looked at the stars after a night of ministry. And there's things that actually, it's amazing. My physical body just responded to me mentioning a memory in Arizona when I was 20 years old. I love that. So what would you add into God being our source of joy to what you've already shared? [00:24:30][83.2]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:24:31] Yeah, you know one of the things that really honestly shocked me about God and I grew up in the church But I drifted once teenage years arrived. I just I ran the other way full speed and in college I had a chance to do an internship with a ministry and during that time I started to really take seriously interacting with God and at first I didn't think God would talk to me I thought he was mad at me all the time So I was a little nervous but I started talking to him and I was like lord. I just want to I want your closeness in my life, like more than anything, Lord, I just want your closeness. And I would start having these thoughts of Jesus actually smiling when He looked at me, because I thought I'd see an, you know, I thought I would have an angry reaction from Jesus. But over time, as I just started these talks with the Lord, like Lord, I want Your closeness, like, how do you see me, Lord? Because I feel like you see Me as a failure, I'm a bad boy, I am, you I started to have these thoughts and images in my mind for the first time, that Jesus was actually glad to be with me. It shocked me, Jeff. I was shocked. It took a little while for me to really let that sink in. I encourage men, take the time as you remember God's gifts and you remember God's closeness. Start asking Jesus, how does He see you? What look is on His face when He looks at you. And how does He see you? And honestly, that changed my life. It's so simple, but yet it was so profound. God likes being with me, and He likes being with all of us, and he's glad to see us. And that, Jeff, that just changed everything, honestly. [00:26:11][100.0]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:26:13] Uh, when we are hovering around this topic of joy, some dads are just like, well, I'm an introvert or I'm quieter. My, my gravitational pull who I am in my 35 years of life is just, that's not who I'm, that some other people, not me, what would you, how would you encourage those dads to stay engaged? [00:26:35][22.0]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:26:36] Yeah, I relate to that. I really do relate to that. I really spent a lot of time feeling dismissive or even just disconnected more than I wanted. And the nice thing about joy is it's not happiness. Happiness is circumstantial. I'm happy that my kitchen is currently almost finished with the construction project. That makes me very happy. But joy is through the shared experience. And so we feel joy, if you think about it. When I went to the hospital because I hurt my back and they kept me overnight, when my wife and kids showed up, I felt joy. They were with me in that place. So joy doesn't have to be over the top and exuberant. But joy is also that sense of someone's there with us and this someone is glad that were here. And the nice thing that I've learned about God is He will meet us right where we're at. I wasn't an outgoing, exuberant type of person. I kind of held my cards close. But Jesus met me right where I was. And it was that sense, joy is that sense that, wow, someone's here with me, but someone's glad to be with me. And especially for fathers with your children. I like to put it this way, let's let Jesus borrow our face for a little while. How would I look at my son's if Jesus lives in my face today when I get home from work? So that's the one way to look at it, Jeff. What would it look like if Jesus borrows your face when you get home tonight and you interact with your kids. [00:28:11][94.9]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:28:12] Wow, the tonight when I get home, there's that framework, but then there's also the awareness that what's coming after our joy might span back through. decades earlier, something that happened and things, or it could just be the phone call on the way home. It could be that too. But you kind of surface these triggers, these common triggers that shut down our circuits, the big six negative emotions. So I'll just hit them fast, but shame, anger, disgust, sadness, fear, hopeless despair. You don't have to break them all down, but just could you talk a little bit about how there's things coming after this circuit that want to move us away from that switch being turned on. [00:28:57][44.5]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:28:57] Yeah, so the interesting thing about those those emotions is emotions are signals that something needs our attention, right? So anger, for example Anger is your brain's way of trying to make something stop Now god gave us these emotions Uh, they're not bad But when they feel bad is when I don't know how to return to joy or I don't know how To calm myself And so the good news is our brain's wired for emotions. We see, I was just reading about Elijah recently and how he was threatened by Jezebel and man, he took off. He took off, but yet God showed up and God fed him and God gave him rest. And then eventually he gets to interact with God very intimately, very closely. So our brain is going to have emotions, and it is going to have emotion, but the million dollar question we want to think about is, what do I need when I feel this emotion? When I'm mad, what do I mean? Or when I'm feeling some shame, right? I don't like feeling shame, but what helps me be able to sense God's closeness and still be my relational self. But I want to encourage the guys, you know, our brains wired for emotions. It's emotions are going to happen. We probably all have opinions about whether emotions are good or not, but just think about it this way. What helps you return to your relational, peaceful self when you're in big feelings and big reactions, whether it's the connecting with someone, interacting with Jesus, taking that walk, whatever it is that just helps you be able to no longer be the Incredible Hulk. We want to stay David Banner here. We We are going to have those moments, right? Where we all, I get mad, right, or I get disgusted, or I gets worried. It's not the end of the world, right. We can learn to feel those feelings, share them, and then calm them. Whether it's with Jesus, whether it's someone we trust. But don't beat yourself up because emotions come up. They are gonna come up, right but we can learn to calm those emotions and stay our relational selves. [00:31:10][133.3]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:31:11] Yeah. And then there's kind of two sides of this conversation. There's the, who am I becoming? How am I managing? How am moving towards connection, relational connection versus all the other negative ways? But then there is the raising kids that understand and feel connection with God, experience joy. raising kids who are resilient, which I know there's a direct connection. I love to hear you expound on that connection between joy and resilience. Can you take us a little bit into the other side of of coaching, helping our kids grow? [00:31:44][33.2]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:31:45] Yes, that's a great question and you know every human brain when emotions arise in our in our kids Every human brain wants to feel seen heard and understood right? So when my son's really mad because his brother's being mean um What they need from me in that moment is to feel seeing heard and understand, right? I might still have to do some correcting. I might. Still have to. Do some discipline But that comes after I validate and comfort. So the brain can be validated and comforted. So when my son's really mad, I say, wow, buddy, I can see you're really mad right now. Like your face is red. You're upset, aren't you? So validation just says what we see, right? I don't have to fix it in that moment. But once I validate, that helps him feel, okay, dad sees me here. Okay, somebody sees me, here. And then we follow validation with comfort that just says, what do you need right now when you're this mad? Right, what do you need? Do you need some deep breaths, right? Do you want to go sit outside and talk? Like what helps you calm down? And most of us have no clue what we need, right. I just, when people would ask me that question, Jeff, I was like, I don't even know what I need. I just need this anger to go away. But when our kids are upset, when we validate and comfort them, that sets the stage for everything else we want to accomplish. So if I do need to discipline or correct, That comes after validation and comforting because what that does is that's gonna help him calm down so that then he's in a teachable state. But if he's an enemy mode because he's so angry, he's not in a teacherable state, right? And so I might try to use it as a learning opportunity, but if he is in enemy mode, brain is not open to new information in enemy modes. So validation and comfort, and Jeff, that was not natural for me growing up. Like none of this was natural for at all. I-I- I had none of these skills and practices, but the good news is we can practice. We can get better at practicing. Hey, Validation, you're really upset. What do you see and hear in your child? Just put words to that. And comfort is, hey, is there anything good that we can hold on to while you navigate Is there anything from your day? What would be helpful right now? And what that does is that helps get them back into their relational best self. And then we can have the discussions. Then we can talk about what needs to happen now as consequences or correction. But the main thing is we help them to get their joy and their peace back so that they're calmer than they would be before. So that's just, you know, that's one tool that you'll get a lot of mileage out of validation and comfort. They just need to feel like somebody gets me. Somebody is with me and now they're in a much better state to have that discussion that we might want to have with them [00:34:40][174.6]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:34:40] and they might even have the solutions themselves. They don't need. Right, that's right. And a lot of times they will. [00:34:45][5.0]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:34:43] That's right. And a lot of times they will. Yeah, you're exactly right. I love that a lot of the times they well because now they have access to the creative parts of their brain, which is in relational mode. So yeah, I love that. And that does you'll be surprised how often that can happen when we're just curious because I'm staying relational. I'm trying to stay relational with my with my children. That's where curiosity is present. Hey, buddy, what's going on here? I can see you're having a bad day. What would be helpful? You know, what do you need right now? Let's figure this out together. Things get a lot easier after that. [00:35:19][36.0]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:35:20] Does that springboard into emotional resilience or is that another area? [00:35:23][3.6]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:35:25] Yeah, it does. So here's the good news about relational, glad-to-be-together joy, right? We're genuinely just glad to be together and we value the process of getting back to joy anytime we lose our joy, which with kids, this can happen a lot, especially if you have teenagers. So we get a lot of practice on this. So building joy strengthens our ability to suffer well, and that's where you get a lots of emotional resilience come in. People who have They feel loved, but they have people who are just genuinely glad to see them, and they make the effort to connect with them. Joy increases our ability to have emotional resilience. So we're hard branches to break on a tree when there's joy that's present in our family, in our interactions. So the more joy our children have. the better they're gonna be able to do to roll with the hard stuff and to recover when things go wrong. It pays off over time, Jeff, and it's just a little bit goes a long way when it comes to joy. That really will go a long with our kids. [00:36:31][65.8]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:36:31] Is that what you mean by, when I read about joy bonds versus fear bonds, is that the same concept? [00:36:36][4.9]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:36:37] Yeah, so joy bonds and fear bonds is your brain has two, really there's two motivations for the brain. It's either going to be this glad to be together joy. So when there's glad to together joy, my brain looks for and scans the environment for opportunities to grow some joy. And Jeff, I've learned this about you just getting to interact with you since the weekend. You're someone that has a lot of joy and people who interact with, they feel like, wow, this guy is really glad that I'm here. It's very genuine And so what that would be is, wow, anytime I'm around Jeff, I just really feel valued. Like this guy is glad that I'm here. So when I don't have a lot of joy or seasons where I just feel like someone's poked a hole in my joy balloon, then your brain's gonna run on the fuel of fear. So instead of scanning for opportunities for joy, now my brain's going to scan for threats. So that's where you'll start getting, and we'll bond out of joy. or we'll bond out of fear, right? Are we building glad to be togetherness or are you dreading having to interact with me because you don't know what's gonna happen, right. And so that's where people, especially our children, like what are they gonna get out of dad when I come home? Are they gonna a genuine glad to-be with you response? I think it's not like super over the top and it's faking it, you know, till we make it. It's just genuinely, what do I? What do I enjoy in my kids, right? And Lord, what do you see when you look at my sons, right, and how can I reflect that this evening when I interact with them? And that feels a lot different than, oh no, dad's home, now I have to like, you know, I have hide or I have avoid him. Then they're stepping on eggshells. So, joy bonds, are we glad to be together? Can we expect and anticipate more joy? Or it's like, I really don't want to be around this person, right? I've got to avoid them, and that's where the fear kind of starts to become our motivation instead of joy. [00:38:36][119.4]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:38:38] The earlier you mentioned, you know, as dad, sometimes I don't know what I'm feeling. Like what am I feeling right now? What would be either a recommended resource could be one of your books or, you know, a motion chart, name your emotion. Like what would be encouragement for me to grow in, being able to name what I am currently experiencing and feeling. [00:39:01][23.3]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:39:02] Well, that's a great question, because our ministry, the team, we just created an emotions chart that gives different words for those six emotions that you mentioned earlier. Those are like what we call the big six emotions our brain is wired for. We have a lot of different words to try to capture different shades of that emotion. We even have body words, because emotions will always show up in our body. So if I'm mad, you're going to see it when I'm bad. So that's a free resource anybody could quickly download. That's really why we created this We just want to help guys be able to hey, I don't even know what I'm feeling here Let me look at some of these options and so with a little bit of curiosity. It's like, okay I thought I was just mad, but I think I'm feelin some disgust I'm really disgusted in how my son treated his friend at school today And there's just a lot of you know different words that try to really help capture the word that most resonate And it's helpful to have that peace, right? Like I didn't know what I was feeling earlier. Now I have a sense, okay, now I'm gonna take some time to quiet myself or to repair with my son or whatever it might be. So that resource, it would be a great. [00:40:14][72.0]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:40:15] Yeah, that'll be linked in all of our show notes. Now, I'm looking at three of your books. I know there's a lot of other resources as well with the four habits of joy-filled marriages, the four Habits of Raising Joy-Filled Kids, and then the Joy Switch. And then there's the children's book, which I was pumped about, switched on for joy. So that's, I guess, those four books. Where would you, those will all be linked, but where would you suggest, if there's something stirred up in today's conversation, a dad, is there one that you're like, this is the starting point? How would you? [00:40:45][30.2]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:40:45] Yeah, you know, I have two thoughts one is the book the joy switch which really is about what we're talking about How do I get out of enemy mode? How do i stay my relational self and how do I build more joy with my kids and that four habits of? Joy-filled parenting book that's that gives a lot of exercises that dads can do Ultimately, you, know it's good information, but it's the exercises that really help us to like instill these habits So I'd say that four-habits book or the joy, switch would Lots of good exercises in both of them. [00:41:16][31.3]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:41:17] Thank you. And as we kind of come in for landing, any just like two, three minutes, anything that you're like, man, we didn't cover this. I'd love to encourage or challenge the dad-awesome community. Any just last things you'd want to share? [00:41:30][13.2]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:41:31] Yeah, I would say just, you know, some encouragement for dads. You know, one of the challenges of being a dad is sometimes we didn't get some of the things that we want to pass on to our kids. And you know what? The good news here, God is a God of redemption and resurrection. So anytime life comes or death comes our way, we find life in Christ. And so I would say. Parenting can be hard, especially when our kids reach ages where kind of our maturity got stuck. So, I did really well with my kids. When they became teenagers, my brain is like, I don't know what to do with this. You know what? This is where it just helps, you know, getting our peace with Jesus, talking to Him about the things that we're noticing, finding other dads. That's why I love what you're doing, Jeff, because you know what, finding other dads. is one of the best ways we get that support so that we can become that father and reflect what our heart is for our kids. So I'd say it's hard work, you're climbing a mountain, but you know what, the views are spectacular and you will never regret trying to be your best self so that you love your kids well. And above all, our kids know that they're loved. When they know that, they're gonna hold onto that the rest of their lives. And you're not gonna do it perfectly, but we can get really good at repairing. When we've messed up, I do a lot of repairing with my kids. And you know what, that builds joy. And so just having grace, but yet finding some encouragement with other dads, that can go a long way. [00:43:03][92.9]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:43:05] Chris, thank you. Thanks for your encouragement. Thanks for the resources you've created. Would you say a short prayer over all of us dads before we say goodbye? [00:43:13][7.8]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:43:13] Thank you, man. Yeah, well, Lord God, I just thank you for all the dads who's listening to this time, Lord. And I do pray that you just bring them the wind for their sails, Lord, that they would see themselves through your eyes, Father, that they see your perspective when you look at them. And Lord, that your face truly shines over us. And I just pray, Father that they, all the dad's would be able to also reflect your love. to their kiddos, Lord, and that Jesus, you would borrow their faces in a sense, like their faces would be billboards that reflect your joy and delight. And Father, that anytime we lose our joy and our peace, I just pray all the dads would more and more find you faster in those moments when our joy is gone. And I thank you, Jesus, that you never leave us nor forsake us. And I just thank you that your face truly shines over your children and your people. And so thank you for these dads, Lord. I just pray your blessing over them that they would have a sense of your peace and your delight today. In Jesus' name. [00:44:21][67.7]
Jeff Zaugg: [00:44:27] Thank you so much for joining us for episode 377 with Chris Corsi. The conversation links all of his books, that free resource that he mentioned about just understanding what am I feeling right now, kind of all the feelings map or the grid to kind of like, man, emotions. That's all gonna be linked in the show notes at dadawesome.org slash podcast. And then you just look for episode 377. Guys, thank you for listening, but let's be dads of action. Let's not be dads of intent, but let's be dads who take action, who grow, who actually enter into a new frontier of learning and understanding so we can bring our best, our whole selves, so we could really understand deeper connection with those we love. So thanks for listening. Praying for you guys this week. [00:44:27][0.0]
[2624.2]
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"God gave our brain what we call a relational circuit, and it's kind of like a dimmer light switch. When it's on, I'm relational. I want to engage with you. I feel curious what's happening in your mind. I want to be kind." - Chris Coursey [00:00:39]
"I want to give my sons something a little different than what I had. And you know what, I still mess up. I still drop the ball with my sons. But I've given them something that I didn't really get growing up, which was repair." - Chris Coursey [00:09:04]
"What would it look like if Jesus borrows your face when you get home tonight and you interact with your kids." - Chris Coursey [00:28:11]
"When our kids are upset, when we validate and comfort them, that sets the stage for everything else we want to accomplish." - Chris Coursey [00:31:45]
"Building joy strengthens our ability to suffer well, and that's where you get a lot of emotional resilience come in." - Chris Coursey [00:35:25]
"Joy bonds are we glad to be together? Can we expect and anticipate more joy? Or it's like, I really don't want to be around this person, right? I've got to avoid them, and that's where the fear kind of starts to become our motivation instead of joy." - Chris Coursey [00:36:37]
"Parenting can be hard, especially when our kids reach ages where kind of our maturity got stuck... This is where it just helps, you know, getting our peace with Jesus, talking to Him about the things that we're noticing, finding other dads." - Chris Coursey [00:41:31]
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